My Chemical Romance

And here it is, the post I promised. And what better timing than Valentine's Day? Remember how I promised to reveal secrets that would take everything you thought you knew about my life and turn it upside down? How I said I would spin you a tale that is going to completely nerf Questionable Content, MegaTokyo and every other thing even remotely related to dating and romance in general?

Well, it looks like today I break that promise. Sanjay already accused me of playing those poor sweet innocents just after sneaking a look at the messages on my phone, and there are only seven. So any more of that and I'll probably be lynched during assembly tomorrow or something.

Still, this Valentine's Day you people aren't going home empty-handed. For an Aries like me, the stars supposedly predict a loveless V-Day, but that doesn't mean I can't whip up one shock entry.

Valentine's Day Special

So I was going through my folder of old letters and things when I found this. No it wasn't burned when I found it, but realizing what it was I decided that burning one end open might have been a better idea than just running a knife through the envelope, in a symbolic kind of way.

Maybe I should tell you exactly what this is. It's a letter I wrote to myself some time ago. The date on the envelope says 1:44 am Tuesday 22nd November 2005. And beneath that: Private and not to be opened until the time when the veil of secrecy is truly cast aside. I sealed the envelope with wax from a dripping candle. I really hate to use the term drama king, maybe because it reminds me a little too much of drag queen, but maybe it's fitting here.

Whatever.

Okay, now you might wonder what exactly was written in that letter. Well, normally I would consider such a thing to be like, totally private. Cause it's, you know, scandalous.

But then again, sometimes it's healthier to reveal our dirty little secrets. Or it could be healthier to keep them bottled up inside. Maybe a lot healthier. Look at me, second thoughts already. I'm just going to get this over with before I come to my senses. And by the way, even though her name was mentioned in the original letter, here I have replaced it. With princess. Just to stop things from getting too out of hand.

It is unclear to me when it was when I first met her, for it was a long time ago and at the time we acknowledged our seperate existences and little more. Over the years we did interact on various occasions but we did not truly become friends, no did I realize how much she meant to me until one night at a party held by a friend of ours. It was that night, which I shall always recall as magical, over several hours of what would usually be routine activity, when spent in her presence became something else altogether. The night ended, in my mind, perfect in every way. Those treasured memories of stolen glances, guilty smiles, awkward silences and electric eye contact I will carry within me in a special place within my heart, to call upon during dark times when smiles are scarce. I know now, or I can guess, that it was only my deep infatuation for her that painted the night so beautifully in my memory, but I hold on to those thoughts nonetheless.

Since that time we have not had much time together that I consider to be truly as memorable as the night I first set my heart upon her, but I did try with varying degrees of success to be as much a part of her life as she was of mine. Of these, I remember most fondly an all too brief moment we shared - in her attic, of all places - during which I convinced myself she shared at least a hint of the feelings I had for her, and took great comfort in that fact. My attempts to see her since have annoyingly been thwarted, but even as I write this I swear I will find a way.

No amount of words will describe how strongly I feel for her, or the readiness with which I would lay down my life in her name. To say that I love her would not suffice, for I use that word to describe my relationship with so many other mundane, everyday things. That love would be a pale shadow next to the pure desire I have to be with her in every breath, and God willing it will never end. Love will not allow me to watch over her every step of the way, to be her guiding light through whatever darkness that may befall her, nor to explain or do justice to the way I feel in my heart of hearts, the undying need and the burning desire to be with this angel every step until the bitter end. Love is described as all-encompassing and all-powerful, but here it is not enough. Here it is not even close. Love is not enough, but it is all I have. All I have to offer her. It will never explain or demonstrate to the way I feel, but I am willing to spend the rest of my life trying. These words will stand, my soul bled onto paper as a testament to my eternal love for her, which burns brighter than any furnace of flame or star creation has ever known.

If I have not won your heart by the time this is read, I have failed.

I love you, princess. It is my only wish that you could see it, and if that love were returned it would be the source of my joy until the end of my life and beyond. I love you, princess.

I was an incredible sap. Well, looking back at what I wrote, and knowing how it ends, I wonder if I was foolish to think the way I did. Learning as I did, that the feeling was hardly mutual, and looking back do I regret writing those words?

Not one bit. Painful as it might have been at times, there were memories that I hold cherished, and I will continue to do so despite the events that have transpired since. Though ultimately I was unsuccessful, I never really felt as though I had lost that much. I guess it was just a part of life we all have to experience, and in the end I was still luckier than most.

I don't think I can properly say what I'm trying to get across here, so I'm just going to stop now. Initially I had intended to end the article here, but something's come up. Or, more accurately, something went down. So it's going up in the next post. Which is also going up this night of star cross'd lovers.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.