The Wrap

E3 is almost over. I need it to be over. Any more teasers and I could break down and cry.

Come on! I heard they even have skateboarding ramp over at the Activision booth, to promote the new Tony Hawk!

How could you not love a game like this?

The individual styles of Grand Theft Auto, Prince of Persia, Oblivion, Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter and Hitman all rolled into one. Too much awesomeness for one game to contain? Ubisoft begs to differ.

Now let's talk. About the massive injustices of E3.

Look! Children! E3 is supposed to be a strictly above-18 event! THANKS ALOT, YOU SECURITY ASSHOLES. Now I'm sitting here at home while some six year old douchebags who don't even know what country Ubisoft is in get to play around in the LACC, which I have never been within a pandaren's wang of. Yes. That's how far I am from E3, while those snot-nosed punks get their diapers soiled watching Dexter and the Powerpuff Girls.

If I ever meet you down a dark alley, I'll roundhouse kick you so hard you'll die and come back to life!

The Microsoft Bus! It turns into a house. Unfortunately, it never made the cut for the Transformers.

Check out the inner sanctum of the Microsoft employees. One of them is using a Powerbook. Oh, he is so screwed when this gets out. Variation on an old Penny Arcade comic:

Mac: You're bruised, Mike.
Mike: It's... it's nothing.
Mac: Has he been hitting you again?
Mike: No! It's not like that. He just... doesn't know his own strength.
Mac: We've talked about this, Mike. You can put an end to this -
Mike: Oh my god, it's Microsoft! He's home! You gotta get out of here, he'll kill us both if he sees you with me! Get out of here, Mac, go!
Mac: I'm going. We're both going. Together.

One more reason to go to E3. I mean!

This one pretty much speaks for itself. Especially considering the above picture.

And what's Mario got to do with these kids and their extracurricular biology experiments?

Paris Hilton at E3? That's just the right amount of... whatever it is.

The final word on the Wii and the Pii is out. Pii and Wii. Imagine that.

Assassin's Creed, Crysis, Mass Effects, Heavenly Sword... these I need, like mercy from heaven's gate.

All right. I promise not to talk about E3 anymore.

Except I have to tell you about these.

Dead or Alive Xtreme

Was it inevitable that Tecmo would release a sequel (of sorts) to Xtreme Beach Volleyball? Probably. Now saying that games like these are tailor-made for people like Dass and Waikit might be somewhat lacking in something, but they did spend an entire night playing it.

Wai Khuin, your chance to finally find out what Dead or Alive really is.

As for myself, as a part of my solemn pledge to exploit all that is E3, and in the true spirit of truly selfless self-sacrifice, I downloaded the trailer.

This might seem like a "I took a calorie bullet for you by eating all your chocolate" kind of thing, but let me assure you that I undertook my duty of leering at every exposed breast and soaked garment in the utmost of seriousness. Seriously. To demonstrate my steadfast dedication to writing a review that would be accurate, I watched the trailer again. And again. Like fifty times.

The sum of its parts can be summed up in one sentence: scantily clad ladies do battle in various lighthearted water sports. (No I'm not going to tell you what they are! Watch the damn trailer!) It's not all fun and games, though. The production values won it the Worst Soft Porn Feature Ever award.

Jackass the Game

Unbelieveable? Believe it. I'm not sure I want to waste words on this one. Let me just give you the word from the fine people over at IGN:

You'll recognize a lot of the stunts from the show. San Fran Trash Can has you inside a garbage can, rolling down a hill at full speed trying to pull off jumps (rolling off car trailers) and stunts (including rolling underneath truck trailers) while trying not to get slaughtered by cars or smacked up on buildings or road signs. Another similar one was Downhill Shopping Cart Run, where you ride in one and try to smack each other in the face while riding the stolen carts down the hill. There are also sequences like Bus Surfing, Grenade Golf, 4th of July (this should hurt your gonads, we're thinking), Extreme Unicycling, and something called Big Balls.

Right. Well, next time Liwen and I get together with our crew to shoot some videos, we'll keep that in mind.

Another 50 Cent Game.

OH-GAWD.

This is for Dexter, and any other chocolate loving freaks out there:

Masters of Horror: Chocolate

"Jamie (Henry Thomas), a newly divorced young man who creates artificial flavors for the food industry, suddenly and inexplicably starts to experience brief and random flashes from someone - and somewhere - unknown: sight, sound, smell, touch. Learning that he's experiencing life through the senses of a mysterious woman, he begins to fall in love with her - without having met her. Eventually, he discovers a horrifying secret that binds him inexorably with the perfect woman in an erotic, horrifying dance of death."

Anyway, Teacher's day is coming up! If you're short on ideas for what to get for your teachers, here are some great pointers:

Alamin -
Jason: Let's buy him a motorcycle helmet. I don't mind paying extra for Alamin.
Sanjay: No, get him a shaver!
Jun Ian: Have you seen the way his robe fans out behind him when he rides his motorbike?

Chin -
Jason: A barometer!
Sanjay: No, let's get him a disco ball!
Jason: Yeah! I can just imagine him swinging it seventies style!
Jun Ian: Holding the barometer in his hand and you can see the mercury levels going like up and down!

Doraemon -
Jun Ian: Platform shoes.
Mahadi: Yeah.

Dorothy -
Jason: False teeth.
Mahadi: New pair of dark glasses.

Haslina -
Jun Ian: Buy her Burger King!
Jason: No, get her something chemistry...
Sanjay: A laminated periodical table!
Mahadi: A plastic or glass something, and then in the corner you write the chemical formula for whatever it is.

Maheran -
Mahadi: Malay to English dictionary.
Jun Ian: Malay to English dictionary.
Yow Hwui: Malay to English dictionary.

Selva -
Sanjay: McDonalds.
Jun Ian: Make sure you buy it on Sunday, then.
Mahadi: You could get a cheeseburger for...
Jason: 39 cents! At McDonalds, baby!

Last but not least, more words of wisdom from everyone's favorite half-Chinese half-Malay science student with specs and whose name starts with an A and contains no I:

No, Azfar. Only you.