Don't Panic

Jason: I'm sleeping in my parents room, cause my cousin's visiting from Canada and he's sleeping in my room with his girlfriend.
Jun Ian: Your cousin's getting it on in your bed!
Jason: Actually, he brought over another friend too. She's sleeping in the guest room.
Jun Ian: Tell me Jason, do you hear...animals sounds in the middle of the night? Does it sound like your cousin and the two girls are praying loudly in the next room, or maybe agreeing with each other a lot?

True story.

Jason's cousin is a PIMP, a man with the kind of night life every guy burns to have.

In other news, form ones are... making news. Not the good kind of news, but at least they're not making babies like last year's form ones.

Ancient history, that.

On to current issues, then. First up, Mrs Matthew's lawsuit.

Some of you might have heard that Mrs Matthews slapped a form one boy.

Some of you might have heard that the boy's parents are trying to sue her for it.

Your information is half correct.

Mrs Matthews definitely slapped Brian Thomas Silva for... well, details are vague but we believe he screamed out loud that he 'fucking hates Matthews' and was overheard and hauled to the office.

Not very clever of him, is it? While we might all feel the way he did from time to time, the difference is that we keep those feelings of resentment buried deep inside us, venting them in the company of friends or all over the internet in our blogs.

I think... I sound like a fag.

The point is, even if they had sued, chances are they wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. I certainly don't like our dear principal - I think she's an old-fashioned tart who takes forever to say nothing - but she was definitely within her rights to slap him that day.

I asked Pardeep (who apparently knows this degenerate) to find out if they were really suing her, and if they were, on what terms. Turns out they aren't.

Bummer. Even if they lost, it still would have been interesting.

Myth dispelled!

Exhibit B is Nicholas Gerard Kang.

They all have such interesting names. When I saw the Gerard I was like OMG thats like two famous guys (Gerard Butler and Steven Gerrard) but it turns out he's nothing like them.

Can't even toss a spear or kick a ball.

Looks like he has other talents, though.

Nicholas: Hey Sanjay, you wanna buy some porn?
Sanjay: What? Uh, no thanks.
Nicholas: How about a vibrator then? 75% off!

I don't even want to know where he would get his hands on such a thing. But Sanjay says he thinks the kid's not joking about the porn... I'm not sure if that's disturbing or what.

Last but not least, the WESLEY GOES GREENALL campaign is doing well.

If I did this for Sanjay last year, the theme would probably be BLACK IS BACK or something.

Today, I made a bunch of flags, and we waved them in the hall, while the Chinese guy was going on about what an idiot Zakaria was.

Now the rest of this post is going to be about National Service.

Again.

Shocking to see so many cots laid out at the admin building, two lines strung across and IV drips hanging from them. People lying bundled up in the green blankets, feet propped up on the cushions from the pink sofa set. They were - well - lying down and pretty much motionless. Some couldn't even move and had to be propped up and hand-fed. Many were out cold and wouldn't wake up.

The administration is trying to keep the whole thing hush-hush by reminding us of the "no talking to outsiders or members of the press about what's going on" rule, and also disconnecting the phones.

- operating instructions

That was an extract from the blog of an NS Trainee in the first intake. Doesn't reflect too well on the integrity of the camp administration, does it?

Well, don't let that scare you too badly, especially if you've actually been selected for the program... there are far worse stories to be found. However, the extent to which you allow these stories to affect your decision to defer or to go is completely up to you.

Well, the information on all these sites haven't been updated since 2004 and doubtless, the camp program has changed, most likely for the better. But if you're interested to find out about how to survive life as a trainee - or avoid it - you could do worse than to give the following sites a try.

operating instructions - The owner of this blog (known only as Kim) was a trainee in the first intake of National Service way back in 2004. Despite only having internet access in the third month of training, she managed to write almost daily entries that reveal much about the program, the camps and the instructors.

Although the experience described in these pages can best be described as 'hellish', reading through it is far from that, extensive though her accounts are. Take this story for example:

Other stories from Vera - some girls were caught fighting the other day. It started with just two people, who both happened to be, respectively, a karate black belt and a taekwondo black belt. "The sparring was very cantik one," said Vera. The room was turned upside down, water sprayed all over (from water bottles), chairs upturned, clothes thrown all over.

The fight soon expanded to seven against one, and the one girl somehow hid in the ceiling rafters above her room. The seven searched for her, and when they left, she quickly scurried down, ran down two flights of stairs, got spotted by the seven, and jumped from the first floor to the ground. Ran to the faci's room, tailed by the seven. And all eight got caught.

- operating instructions

Reads almost like the script of an action movie, doesn't it? I mean, I really like what she's written. Noble efforts indeed. Working tirelessly to bring the next generation an insider's account of camp... well when I go for NS next year, I'm bringing a notebook.

You know, to write blogs in.

PanGlobal Insurance - If you find it ominous that I'm linking you to the website of an insurance company in preparation for National Service, you'd be half right. Nothing I've said so far concerns deferment or exemption, does it? Well this website will explain how to do just that... it even has the deferment form ready for you, as well as some outdated information about campsites and stuff.

I'm not going to include any excerpts from this web, you can go and read it yourself if you want to.

Dinyahloreng - I have no idea what the name means, but this is a really useful page about what to bring, what to expect (yeah, just see above) and stuff. Eugene found me this site.

Here's an item aptly named How To Survive The Evil Jungle Forces.

Your trainers will teach you this, but it’s interesting enough to tell you in advance. When in the jungle at night, you SHOULD NOT call people by their name. Aiyah, you want to know why, go and ask your trainer yourself. Anyway, so you are lined up in single file and given numbers … like the person at the front, usually the leader is called D1 for example and the last person is D22. At points, you will stop and have a roll call to check if everyone is there, from D1 to D22. Just don’t be smart and call out an extra D23... You don’t want to cause panic in the middle of the jungle at night, trust me hysterical people are NOT a pretty sight.

- Diyahloreng

There's also this one crazy story about true love in NS, which I will not post here because I find it completely retarded, but you can go check it out.

And finally... one of the most disturbing things I've heard about National Service so far.

On Monday night, by the way, one of the things the soldiers yelled at us was the fact that 12 girls in Kolej D are pregnant, di manakah kehormatan kamu semua?! Hah? Kamu tak malu ke?

I was shocked to hear this, but Vera next to me simply raised her eyebrows and remarked, "You mean you don't know?"

I knew one girl was pregnant, but I didn't know about the other 11.

"So some people here are parents - together?" I spluttered. Vera confirmed this with a nod of her head. I felt like someone had just hit me on the head with a volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

- operating instructions

That's all for now.

Tomorrow I'm going to run off to the Dataran Merdeka at the crack of dawn, so... stay tuned for that.